can't say I didn't warn you

03-24-14

When the hell are we going to stop seeing snow. I am starting to hate this damn winter now.  Not only that, but I have that motherfucker who’d served me on Friday working here today.  I don’t like working with his ass. He is one of them bitches on a power trip. He acts like most patients are below him, when most patients are actually above him salary-wise and education wise. I know because I’m above him myself. This dumbass probably wants to change me as well as he does my roommate if not more than my roommate since I’m younger than him. The more I encounter mofos like this, the more I want to stay away from them in every aspect of my life. I don’t desire to interact with them at all and when I feel they are gay, they make feel uncomfortable. The reason being is that most of them like what they see when it comes to me.  For the most part I’m a faggot magnet and these homos always try and talk to me at one point or another trying to see if I’m gay like them. I don’t feel the need to clarify my heterosexuality like these homos need to declare their sick behavior, and it pisses me off. I don’t say shit and let them wonder all day long. F**k them, (116/75)

It’s funny how  weak mofos pull simp moves like being so-called friends with the girl you’re talking to get

on her good side. Then when they lose her to me, all of a sudden they are ignoring them or if they interact with them, it’s all like she’s doing wrong, lmao!!!  Simping doesn’t’ get you anywhere and I don’t do that anyways. I like being a bit of a prick when it comes to women because they don’t really want a dude who’s strung out on them, heeding their every word.  This isn’t the first time I’ve had this happen because most dudes are simps over here in CT. I go for the ass if anything and I don’t put much thought into the women because it distracts me from trying to get what I want and that’s to f**k them, not date them. I’m not friends with women I have a crush on because that shit d10.00 KB/soesn’t ever work. Either you f**k them or you don’t, it’s simple as that. I get surprised at how many simps there are out there, and there are a lot of them out there. I can remember one mofo on the bus was trying to get to know an ex of mines, Akija Turner. His dumbass pulled the biggest simp move I’d ever witnessed in my life, lmao!!! Check this shit out: I had gotten on the bus without noticing that she was going on the same one. All I know is I had seen a tall high yellow chick who looked cute, but I hadn’t recognized her as the girl I’d f**ked ten years ago because she was a lot slimmer than usual. Anyways, when she noticed that I was on the bus, she sat right in front of me and didn’t say shit since I hadn’t noticed her coming in. I pretty much acted like I was so distracted that I didn’t see her. I really didn’t want to talk to her maniacal ass, anyways. So this simp was sitting near her so that she could get a good view of him. Oh, yeah, he wasn’t f**king around, lol. Anwyays. He didn’t say a damn thing while on the bus, but as the bus stopped for him to get off, he wrote his number down on a piece of paper before getting to the stop, gets up and right as he gets off the bus, he drops the slip on the seat next to her, lmao.  He doesn’t even hand it to her in her hand. He just drops it on the seat next to her. I mean, how cowardly do you have to be to pull such a stupid move like this? I almost fell off my seat when I’d seen that shit. It was funny because she took the piece of paper and crumpled it up and threw it away. Of course, since she was in front of me, she had to be all dramatic and shake her head and react in a way that I could notice it. It was too f**king funny though. These young dudes are now asking women out while on Social media, which is f**king hilarious because I don’t do that at all. I know some girls on social media like me and they don’t make any bones about it. We’re just friends, though because they live far from me. I do get surprised at how much they love me, though. I guess my personality really is charming. I know two girls I would really give up everyone for and those two are my favorite of them all. That’s Sharonda and Elle. These two are so beautiful, especially Sharonda.  Sharonda just a cutie and she’s got no children. Elle, she’s such a sweet heart who’s way younger than me, but she’s so genuine when saying that she loves and misses me. I love dark-skinned women and she fits that profile to the tee. Her smile is infectious too. I have spoken to Sharonda over skype or something where I could see her face and facial reactions and she was too too sweet. OMG, she’s so beautiful it’s infectious. The thing with both of them is that they live very far away(one in Atlanta, the other in California). I guess I fare well with women from outside of CT because I get the best responses from them. These women in CT act so stuck up and they wonder why they are still single or have been single for so damn long. I know a lot of dudes  in CT act like all they want to do is f**k, but what man doesn’t want to f**k, right? If you move too fast with them of course they’re going to want to f**k you, what do you expect when you move so f**king fast?  I tell people all of the time to take their time in getting to know someone before doing anything with them in order to get an idea of what they are like and assess their view of them more accurately. One can lie only for so long. Sooner or later, your motives will show, so giving it time usually works with me. Either the other gets tired of waiting and just moves on or they stick around for the duration in order to make you happy because they are genuinely interested in more than just being physical. Unfortunately a lot of these bitches act just as fast as dudes are, only they come on to me about a week after the guy wants to come on to them. Women aren’t any more different than men. They want sex as much as the next man, and they move just as fast if you don’t pressure them. I’ve had this happen to me all of the time. Some of them I took advantage of (it was just too easy) and others I thought I could get a relationship from.  Either way, most of them remember me and still think about me. Woohoo to me, J

                …FINALLY a show on Sarcoidosis(“The Doctors” on Fox Channel 61, 03-24-14, at around 10 am) They didn’t say a lot about it, but damn, they mentioned it on National TV which is more than enough for me to deal with. I have to take what I can when it comes to public information on my disorder. It was basic information and not much was said, which makes me wonder what goes on with other diseases and how in depth the show’s hosts talk about it. I can see how some people see the shows as being phony because they don’t really get into the meat and bones of the particular issue. They pretty much gloss over the whole thing as though it’s something to rush through. I don’t think it’s fair, but it’s something that has to appeal to the majority of the audiences so I guess they won’t get that much inundating information. I wish they would do a whole show on it though, because they could do us who have this disorder a very big favor. It could be talked about for an hour or two and the information that one can get would be so informative, especially from doctors who are specialize in it. I am so amazed that this disorder is not covered more often. It affects so many organs and yet gets little to no coverage at all? What the fuck is going on that it doesn’t get more coverage? Is it because it’s too costly for insurance companies or that the meds cost so little to treat it that it’s not worth it for big pharma to promote treatment for it. They would rather you get treated for the fucking symptoms rather than the actual disorde, which can add up if you don’t pay attention (you’ll see it once you get the invoice in the mail)

…damn, these women in the “Steve Wilkos” are sure fine, but damn they’ve got some fucked up personalities. I swear all of them are plain ghetto.  I just saw a very pretty girl who was very well dressed and has an awesome, bubbly personality, and she’s the exception the exception to the rest of the women because she doesn’t seem ghetto at all. She may have a mouth on her, but so does Moreen, and I don’t mind her mouth sometimes. So, right, she’s got a man who’s cheated on her and I have to wonder what the hell she did to make him cheat because she’s too beautiful to stray on. I mean, I’ve had pretty girls and maybe I strayed when we were arguing or whatever, but not when all was going good. I remember I fucked Fredricka Rose while being on the outs with Nakia Rivera because, well, I felt like I wanted to get some without the headaches. I did so and it was OK, but Fredricka got that snapback pussy even though she’s ghetto as hell. She can’t fuck, but it’s what she lets me do that turned me on every time. She liked fucking me too so the feeling was mutual, it’s just that she was a habitual liar. Fucking her was all that I could do and she didn’t mind it for a while. I only fucked her once while with Nakia so it’s not like I was actually doing it on a regular basis, but I thought me and Nakia were over so I decided to move on. Then Kia calls me the next day as though she was missing me or something. I mean if our earlier static wasn’t an indication that we were not meant to be, then I don’t know, but I thought I should’ve left her alone, but she was good in bed too. I was 28, and I had a girl who liked fucking so I was doing great with her. I wasn’t whipped, per se, but I was enjoying sex with her,j even though she lived five hours away from me. I’m glad I dropped both of them bitches though, because they were some psycho bitches. One had four children and wanted to make me a step dad, while the other wanted kids by whoever gave her a child. I’ve met some creazy bitches, but these two took the cake. Kia had gotten pregnant with a bastard son with some “Frank” nigga and she then broke up with him and decided that I was a fit father for his fucking son. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? I guess I was under some stress or something because I’d agreed to be the step dad, but the bitch didn’t want to change her selfish ways, so I decided to say fuck her, but I had to piss her off or say the meanest shit so she could leave me the fuck alone and so I could forget about her dumbass so I told her I was glad her son died. He died because she can no longer conceive children. The thing is that this psycho bitch still wanted to have one no matter what and she had the fucking nerve to think that I was going to take over some other niggas daddy duties while his ass was probably going to skate having to pay child support. Boy am I glad I dropped her ass, because I needed that so I could figure what the hell I want from a woman, which isn’t someone like this bitch at all.  To me I think I liked fucking her. I don’t think I loved her at all. There were times when I didn’t want to fuck her, that’s how bad it got at one point

…some of these residents kill me with their silly ass stories. I have a 49 year old dude telling me about how he was so tough in Jail. I mean, I can’t prove him wrong so of course he’s going to brag all day long about his triumphs in jail. For all I know he was someone’s bitch while there. Skinny as he is, he probably got raped, lol. Anyways, I don’t see why he has to talk about the time he spent in jail.You see: there’s a reason I don’t want to be associate with anybody, and I do mean ANYBODY, that’s ever been in jail for any amount of time. It doesn’t coincide with my getting to know people to sponge off of and vice versa. A jail bird is just someone I can’t relate to at all. Sure I’ll laugh at his nonsense, but I’m thinking all of this time”this fool’s lying like a motherfucker” and I’m more than likely right about that. People that hve been in jail aren’t going to say that they got bullied while in jail. No, they’re going to brag and boast about shit that you can’t prove them wrong on. It’s happened with my younger brother who’s been to jail(I no longer communicate with him) and some other low-lives that I’ve met throughout the years. Most of them were fucking losers who just ended up back in jail. I remember one dumbass, I hadn’t seen him for a couple years and then I see him on my home one day. He told me he had just come out of jail and was walking home. I remember thinking to myself “so this is the second time he’s been to jail?”. And he seemed like he wanted to rob my ass too. For all I know he loves going to jail. He never seems to ecape that route. It’s like it’s all he knows how to be. Usually jailbirds know nothing BUT prison. They feel like they can’t function without being in jail. That’s called being “institutionalized” and a perfect example was shown in this movie, “Shawshank Redemption”.  An old man was finally let go after serving time for over 30 yrs or more, and it didn’t take him longer than a week before he hung himself because he couldn’t function outside of the prison system.

                There are many ways in which people can become institutionalized. Some folks who are on welfare, if not all, have been institutionalized to the point that they just rely on the government to provide them with everything.  They don’t care to work nor look to get better because the government has been coddling them for so fucking long that it’s all they know. These are the parasites of society and they should be made to pay for their sleuth. They should not be collecting a check while sitting on their asses.

My mother is a perfect example of an institutionalized individual. She’s never had a job, or if she did, I really don’t remember. She told me one time that she was going to try and get a job when I was in my mid 20s and I thought it was a joke because I doubted that she could find one at her without having in remedial work skills. factories or manufacturers are no longer around for low-skilled workers, so where the hell was she going to get a job at? I think she just wanted to get my attention, because she never really set out to find a job. She went back to getting her welfare checks. I’m sorry, but I don’t trust my own mother. She’s just a state dependent and there’s no way in hell she was going to find something doable or sustainable for all of her kids. She had too many kids to begin with, and they weren’t cheap. I thought it was just my mom acting weird or she’d lost her wig because she sounded crazy talking like that. I did and still do doubt my mom is good for pretty much nothing but having babies, and that’s all she’s ever been good at. I’m sorry, but I lost respect for my mom a very long time ago. I hated that she was so fucking selfish that she made us go through her not having a job, not providing her children with a positive role model to either look for in adulthood or try to emulate as an adult. Instead she was just a selfish bitch who chose a man over her children. She disappointed me and I don’t care to talk to her anymore. I’ve got to a point that I started to hate her for putting me through the shit that I’d gone through from kicking me out and letting me live on my own to sending me my little loser brother to live with me knowing damn well I couldn’t afford that shit. Once luis started living with me, he almost turned my world upside down, so I told him to either go back to Puerto Rico or join Job Corps. He could no longer stay with me, and he was just 17 or whatever the fuck he was, but he had to go. I couldn’t afford him and he was starting to bring trouble from the neighborhoods to my place, which he shouldn’t have done . I don’t care for him, nor do I care to speak to him nor any other family member in my family with the exception of my aunt Ada. Everybody and I mean EVERYBODY in my family seems to think that I’m some ATM machine and they can just ask me for money and I’m going to give in to their pleas for help. Mind you, they couldn’t help ME even if they could, but they had the fucking gall to ask me for money almost on a weekly basis, first it was Luis, then Mando, and then Veronica. My own mom was bitching about how I owed her money. Of course it was that homo, Eduardo, who was manipulating her dumbass and so she would think that I was being an asshole, but fuck her. Son of a bitch had a way to pit all of us against each other and I had to leave all of that shit alone. I did and they hated it. They tried to get me to move back after they kicked me out, but I said “fuck you, I’m not going anywhere”. I had proved to both of them fucks that I could survive on my own and there was nothing they could do about it. I was finally free of their bullshit and I was happy. I wanted them to leave me the fuck alone. I haven’t spoken to any of them in years and I’m glad I haven’t because the minute I talk to them, they do nothing but bring me problems or give me some gossip that I don’t need to hear . then there are the endless SOB stories that I don’t care to hear about like. If , it’s not that it’s some plea for help. Usually it’s financial help, like they think I’m rich. But my question is: Where the fuck was she when I wanted her to defend me as her son against that homo Eduardo, eh? Where the fuck was she when he punched me so hard he made my fucking nose bleed, huh? Where was she when my sister was molested almost weekly by Eduardo. You know where she was? Right there, just watching it all happen in front of her and she did nothing about it. She just turned the other cheek and ignored her kids. Now that most of her kids are ignoring her, she’s crying about it as if she had nothing to do with it. Well, I don’t give a fuck and Eduardo’s son shouldn’t be asking me nor telling me to call her when he knows nothing about what happened between us or the family history of problems that have plagued us for so fucking long.  I refuse to put myself in that sticky situation since she doesn’t want to apologize for all that bullshit she put us through. I can remember Mando’s  dumbas saying that I like shutting people out of my life, and the reality is that I don’t mind shutting him or other family members out of my life since I don’t need them at all. Really, what the fuck do I need them for? Family? This is not a family? This is a bunch of crazy people whom I grew up with and I’m the only one who came out half-way decent or normal. Not even Mando’s gotten over shit from back then. He’s still trying to find his dad. I knew him when I was younger and I don’t need to know him anymore.  I don’t know why people want me to get in contact with him because seriously, what the hell do I have to do with him? My mother found him only to get my attention, but I really didn’t care to hear from him because to me, the past is the past and I don’t look back at it. I’m not like Mando’s dumbass: feeling all left out because his dad wasn’t around. I mean how do you want me to feel about a father who hasn’t been around for years, and I mean over 30 years. I never wondered about my father’s whereabouts because it never really bothered me that I didn’t have one around anyways. If Mando wants to act butt-hurt about it, then that’s him, I don’t really care for that. He’s amounted to nothing in my eyes and never too advantage of what the military was giving him. He just became a fucking loser who’ll probably end up homeless if he keeps going the way he’s going. I have my successes, but he’s got none that I know of. Does he think that going to Goodwin college was an accomplishment, lol. Really? That’s not even a real school. It’s just a vocational school, dude. Seriously. Try college and see how you survive that. I did it and I’m still at it after over 20 years. Mando was(and probably still is) going after fast money, but that’s got him nowhere.  I can remember when he started rapping, lol. He started doing that as soon as I’d left the place we were sharing rent at. Why didn’t he start before that? He had some equipment. But now he’s a rapper, lmao, I am in tears laughing so hard every time I think about him being a rapper, lol. He was 30 years old when he started that shit, so he was late. And I know he didn’t want to start while I lived with him because he knew I wasn’t going to approve of it. He sucks big time, and he acts as though people love his music, lol. His whole shit is just plain corny. Giving himself the name “Man2” just adds to hilarity of his nonsense. He’s just too fake, and he should stop before he makes a fool of himself. Oh, but he also thinks he’s a videographer too, lol….Iswear his crackhead Willimantic friends have got his head all swollen with their kissing his ass. He’s got a lot f ghetto ass friends who probably have robbed him before. I wouldn’t put that past them. I had niggas steal my CD one time and I stopped bringing niggas into my place so they can rap to my beats. I had to do it because they were stealing from me. Now I don’t allow anybody who’s ghetto into my place because they are bound to steal from me. It’s because they don’t have the shit that I have and they feel like it should be theirs. I only let my girlfriends into my place and my boy Angel, but other than that, nobody’s ever come to my place at all. I don’t care to have my friends at my place because most of them are so ghetto they will steal right from under your fucking nose. I have had that happen to me before so I don’t care to have friends over unless they are educated. I can imagine Hank’s ghetto friends would probably steal from his place too. I don’t steal from a friend’s place, but I have had people steal from my place. I had a CD stolen. I remember who it was too. It was one them hoodrat niggas from the northend who came through to make a song or whatever. I know they took something from me when I headed towards the bathroom. These sneaky ass niggas took my CD and none of the three told me about it. I know that homo who was claiming to be their manager, a friend’s younger brother, knew what had happened, yet he told me nothing about it. But Karma’s a bitch and now he’s in jail for having a crack factory in Farmington with his girl and fucking around with drugs around children. It was hard to believe that a physician and lawyer’s son was jail for dealing with drugs. He could’ve just aked mom or dad for a loan.  Lmao. I almost fell out of my chair when I’d heard about that, lol. I wonder if laura(his sister) knows about this?  He was the stupid nigga that was raised in a lilly white town, went to a lilly-white school, and wasn’t viewed as “down” by his black friends, lol….he was so fucking naïve that he decided to venture into rap music, lol. That kid was a fucking joke though. And I’m glad he got caught. I was surprised that he was caught for doing this because he seemed to be in a good place due to his parents wealth. His dad must be so proud of him, lol…what a fucking loser. See, people who fuck with me never end up in good places. They always get what’s coming to them. I have to watch who I deal these days because you  never know who’s out to get you, and you can’t just insult someone. That’s the reason why I don’t deal with too many niggas. You don’t’ really know niggas backgrounds and how they live or how they grew up so why let them into your lives and entrust them to be your friends so fast? I’ve stopped doing that a long time ago because a lot of dudes threatened me when I didn’t want to deal with them in any fucking way. And if you live near them, they will plot against you because they feel like they need to pull you down to their level of poverty in their minds. They have a “crabs-in-a-barrel” mentality, where if you are climbing out of the barrel, they pull you back down to them so that you stay with them and all are losers in unison. It’s a sickening reality, but I’ve come across a lot of people who think in this way. I guess since I grew up to think on my own and not rely on anybody(including my own mother) I am and will always probably be as about as independent as I can be. People don’t understand how I can be this way, but they’re the dumbasses who end up with problems due to flawed friendships. I don’t run into those problems because I distance myself from someone soon as I find some quirky flaw that doesn’t coincide with who I’d like to have in my circle. Like, look at my friend Natasha. Love her to death, but she’s a bit too damn gullible and she’s got to learn how to say no to people who are going to cheat her for her money. She loaned her friend $3500 because the bitch had the nerve to run up her light bill that fucking high? I don’t know, but I think that bitch took her for a ride. And she literally gave her the money.

…so I don’t get what this damn “Two and a half Men” is about. I mean Charlie Sheen’s brother seems like a depressed guy. He never gets sex and if he does, he’s not really good at it. Charlie is just there doing nothing, and if he’s doing anything it’s banging some girl. Maybe it’s just me, but this show is baseless and just boring. The kid in the show’s annoying. It's yet another reason why I don’t watch that much TV. I guess most shows that I’ve come across are just as boring as I sit here doing nothing but type on this computer. I can’t watch these shows, most sitcoms tend to come with not base to keep the theme going. I’m just bored out of my mind over here and I just want to go home. I’m going insane over here, but I have to keep from going that route if I want to get better. It’s just annoying to watch. I don’t know but everybody seems to be acting all weird. Is it a full moon or something? Even Moreen seemed like she was bored in our conversation. I don’t know, but I’m not feeling this shit anymore. She just seems boring to me. I’m not feeling her like that anymore. I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling her like that. I am fine with a friendship because I doubt we’ll ever be an item, so I hope she doesn’t try to act like she’s trying to be my girl. Oh, but wait, she never tried to begin with. That’s something I noticed. I was the one who did all of the leg work in trying to establish a relationship with her, while she just let it go with the flow I guess. She doesn’t flirt with me, indicating that she’s not interested in any type of relationship with me, and if she was, I’m too dumb to notice because she is way too subtle. So subtle that I can’t read her signs. She’s too slow in the flirting department if anything. I mean, I haven’t heard one compliment from her. Not ONE, not even since we first met. She’s never said anything about my looks. It’s as though it didn’t matter. I guess I wouldn’t know if she likes me or not, but she sure is trustworthy. I can’t say anything more than that. So when I get out, I’m going to look for another girl. Hey, it was good while it lasted, but friendship with me, why bother, right? It’s not like she’s going to hang out with me anyways. I mean that’s what friends do, right? At least that’s what me and hank do, so why not Moreen and me.  She told me that she’s going to Jamaica for a vacation, and so I have to endure her being gone during the summer for who knows how long.

One thing she’s mentioned to me is that I don’t ask questions, but I am not one to do so, because you get more information by just getting to know the person. I’ve always been that way because you can get more information out of someone when they are not put on the spot. Now I have to wonder if I confused her by not asking questions, because she seems pretty cut and dry with her approach to life. I don’t like doing that. I like intrigue, I don’t care for the obvious. I guess it’s a turn off when women do that. Now I am wondering what the hell she’s thinking but it’s up to her to call if she wants to because if she wants me then she’s going to have to get me. I’m no longer going to pursue her at all. I don’t need this subtle bullshit and I will not stand for that crap. She better get it right and get with it or she’s going to lose a great person that is me. I don’t get it when it comes to her. I feel like I’ve been running in circles trying to make her come around and she’s just got her guard up all day long. It’s like she’s not trying to even be with me, so I would rather just leave it alone altogether. I do know that if I hear another woman tell me they have “trust issues” I will just stay away from them, because they might just act as apprehensive as Moreen has been acting. I mean damn, not one flirt in the few months that we’ve known each other? Really? Come on, now. I can’t do this all by myself and I feel like I’m the guy with the crush talking to the girl who just likes him as a friend. Oh, well, she’ll just have to get used to me not being there for her anymore. I’ll be there as her friend, but that’s it. It seems to me that friendship is all she wants to, so I mean, hey. I can’t control anybody and I can’t force anybody to like me, and obviously this situation really brought her to the realization that maybe I’m too much for her to undertake and so she can’t deal with me. Maybe she just wanted to have fun with me and I’m pretty much coming out with a bunch of pain and despair. Who knows what she’s thinking. She never tells me what’s up anyways, so ….and so it’s almost nine and not as much as a word from her. I think she’s just sabotaging the whole thing and, it’s her fault. I did what I could to try and make her my girl, but she obviously didn’t like it. For all I know she really did what she’s done because she feels sorry for me. Just what I need, some broad acting as though she feels like helping me out will win my heart or something. I guess she’s helping me out because she’s just nice like that. I guess I can deal with that since I no longer grab her attention like that anymore.

                On another note, I can’t believe I’ve typed over 5,000 words today.  I guess I had a lot to say today. Again, as for Moreen, I hope that she comes around and calls me otherwise I am going to guess that she doesn’t want to talk to me. Who am I kidding? Of course she doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m already beinga  burden to her as she’s indicated on Saturday when she brought my shit to me that day. But OK.