03-22-14
OK, so I’m still up and it’s about 4:30
am. I can’t believe what’s happened to me in the last four years. I have gotten
a disease, a damn near death experience with getting hit by a damn car and, for
all I know, being left for dead. I have survived all of this and I sometimes
wonder if someone’s watching over me, seriously. I can talk all the sh*t that I
want to but the truth is that, I’m really grateful for all that I’ve received
in my life on my own. I’m lucky to have found beautiful women for whom I’ve dated
even if it didn’t work out between us. I have found that true friends are
really hard to come by, and some people will really surprise you at times when
you are in need. You see who does try to help and understand you and such. I
have to say that some people have surprised me though. I wouldn’t think my
co-worker Jose would come through to just visit me. That was pretty cool of him
to do. Moreen decided to befriend my neighbor Sheila, and so I talked to her
for what seemed like forever. I didn’t really care to talk to her because she’s
just my neighbor and not my family, you know. Moreen insisted though, so I did,
and so Sheila made it look as though she cared for me, which was weird to me.
Anyways, I hope Moreen is trying to be my girl, because she sure has been
acting like she just wants to be friends with me. She DID mention doing
something that a “girlfriend” who cared for me would do and such, but she’s
being too not-so-obvious, and that kind of throws me off. Yeah, she’s been
pretty good with helping me out since I was struck by a car, but she’s still
trying to play it off like we are just friends. OK, then, two can play this
stupid game. It's whatever these days. All I know is if she doesn’t act fast, I
will move on since she’s become such a friend of mines. I don’t mind leaving
her alone now, because I know about her and she’s pretty cool with me. She can
be a pain in the a** about being my girl, almost like she doesn’t care to be it
anymore, so who knows. She’s not stupid and she better not pull a Tasha and
date another man thinking that all I want is her friendship, because damn man.
You want to talk about pissing someone off, you do that then. Go and act
anxious and move on without me. I’m not going to follow because there are
plenty of other women out there who can or will be willing to be with me for
whatever reasons. I hope most of them are unconditional in loving me as I’d
like Moreen, but what am I to do these days? She seems pretty occupied with her
children and doesn’t really focus on me at all. I have to wonder why she’s even
doing the favors she’s doing for me, but I think it’s just that she’s a good
person like that. That is fine, but she should really try and keep me as a man
rather than act as though we are just friends. She’s been shooting down any
possibility of being my girl for reasons that I do not know so I’m starting to
get confused. Since I don’t care to be confused these days, I’m just going to
move on, because she just does NOT seem interested in a relationship. I finally
see her, but it was because of a car hitting me and damn near killing me. Do I
really want a girl to be there just because she feels sorry for me? That’s what
it looks like to me and I really don’t care for that. I will just leave her
alone when I’m done with my recovery and if she wants to be my girl, then she
will move on to do so. I just don’t understand why she’s being so damn funny about
it though. I mean, she knows I like her, yet keeps on acting as though we are
ONLY friends. I mean if that’s all you want, then just let me know and stop
helping me out with sh*t. I really don’t care for charity and I don’t want to
feel like a charity case neither. Just tell me what you want already and stop
beating around the bush. It seems that when I start not giving a damn, she gets
all in my face about how I should be calling her and what not. I mean, what the
hell does she want from me? Seriously. I feel like I’m end up with another
Natasha, who didn’t wait to get me into her life, she just got herself another
man. I mean, OK, but you know, just tell me when you are moving on, OK. For
some reason she does tolerate my stupid antics, but I want more than that, you
know. She’s cute and I like her to the point that I’d like her to be my girl,
but if she doesn’t want that, I’m OK with it as well. Just don’t beat around
the bush about it. I know I haven’t been fair myself because I did say I wanted
to wait to see her, and then I was struck by this f**king car, making our first
date a longer wait than ever. I feel
like the window of opportunity was closed months ago, because she hasn’t
mentioned meeting me at all anymore, and when I give it a mention in pa**ing,
she seems to not even care or even gives it f**kort to accomplish our meeting.
If it wasn’t for the incident, I probably would not have seen her at all for a
very long time. She’s acting funny like most women in CT. I hate this sh*t
because now I feel like I’m being put through a guilt trip now. She’s mentioned
that if she doesn’t call me, she’d never hear from me, because I don’t call her
at all, but she hasn’t made an f**kort to even say things that she likes about
me. Hell, Tasha, who’s JUST my friend, gives me more compliments than Moreen,
and she’s just a friend of mines. All I know is if she doesn’t move fast, I
will just move on, because I’m really getting tired of the mind games women
play and I don’t have time for it. I’d rather just move one with my life. She’s
being way too subtle in my opinion. I’m pretty obvious as opposed to her and
the way she acts around me. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that she
is just fine with being a friend of mine.
I can’t and I will not read minds so if she wants to play like a possum
or something, fine. She better not get upset because I moved on because
seriously, I don’t know where we stand as of March 22nd, 2014. If she hears me
mention to someone that she’s my girl, she gets all stuffy about it and starts
to shoot me down about it, so now I don’t know what it is she wants because I
have no idea what to do now. She
mentioned that she was doing something for nothing, as if helping me out wasn’t
going anywhere. It’s as if she was complaining to me, which made me feel bad. I
swear, if she mentions that sh*t again, I will just tell her to leave me alone
so she doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. I don’t need a guilt trip. I am
thankful for her help, but I don’t really need her to do it. She volunteered it and I didn’t complain
about it. Now I feel as though I owe her something, and I don’t like that. I
swear Jamaican women are tricky with how they show affection towards a man. And
she is Jamaican. She lived there for half of her life, so she is pretty much
culturally Jamaican. She’s not Americanized at all. My Ex, Jennifer, was Americanized, but she
grew up in the projects, which I thought was weird since most Jamaicans are
very hard workers and don’t end up in public housing. Even still, Jennifer acted
funny about our relationship as well. She would never kiss me, and that was
such a turn off. She didn’t mind having sex, but kissing me was just weird to
her. That’s one reason why I got distant
from her. She wasn’t pleasing me. It’s as though she was being selfish and I
wasn’t having it. We pretty much broke up two years into the relationship
because it was a dead one. You don’t have a significant one in your life and
NOT kiss them. I don’t know what culture doesn’t favor that, but in my culture,
we kiss so…….I guess that’s how I see Moreen going with me. She already acts
pretty cold around me. I don’t ever know if she’s flirting with me or just
lecturing me. Either way it’s a f**king turn off so she needs to stop it. I do
not need to date my mother and she’s acting like she knows better. The fact
that I’m more laid back than she is pretty much bothers her, yet she doesn’t
let me go? I think she should have, though, because seriously. What if, after
all of this time, I find out she’s not compatible with me at all. Is it too
late to break it off and make her my friend? I hope she can be my friend if
anything, because it seems like that’s all we will ever be. Sure, at first, I
thought about having sex with her, but now I just don’t care anymore if we do or
not. She’s too NOT THERE to even make me fantasize about her being with me in
any intimate way. It’s as though I was getting to know Tasha all over again
except she’s being a bit more patient. Only time will tell if she decides to
find another man I guess. I just hope it gets on her nerves soon so we don’t go
about being friends instead in haste….
~~TTYL~~
03-22-14
…Yet another day where I’m waiting for the damn
nurse to get me my meds so I don’t have an infection or possibly reverse the effect
of my Sarcoid flare up from deterring within days from now. I wonder how some of these people work over
here in this health facility though. Some of them are straight up weird. There
was one guy who was acting all homosexual, telling my elder roommate that he
was giving him the “basics” to wear while he got ready for the day in the
morning before helping him with his bath. His b**ch a** got on my f**king
nerves when he said some bullsh*t about how I ate my food. He indicated on some
chart that I had not eaten all of the breakfast that was served to me in the
morning, which was replaced by my neighbor’s breakfast food, of which he didn’t
want. Of fcourse the homo gave me a look like he didn’t believe me. What, it's just another fag on a power trip.
I hate homos like this. They swear they think that they have more power than
you. The reality is, though, is that
they don’t even have power over how their own pay check gets issued to them.
They are such tools, and this fag’s no exception to the rule. He should have been struck by the car, not
me. Spoken like a true homo too. Even walked like a fag, lol. I’m starting to
agree more and more with my heterosexual folks about this f**king homosexual
trending that’s been going on lately. It’s like, if you’re homosexual and you
claim it while being a hopeful for a higher position in an industry, the
leaders will feel pressured to select you in order to avoid being labeled
unfair towards homosexual people. F**k that. That is what I call a homo acting
like a faggot. Yeah, make your sexuality the center of attention and
protection, so that you can secure some type of higher position in the industry
you’re in. Nice, eh? I hate homos that pull that sh*t. At first I was OK with
homosexuals getting certain rights, but these homos are going f**king
overboard, and they need to say, as this one dude Star said on YouTube “slow
your f**king roll”. Now these abominations want to adopt children, and I made a
comment about how I opposed it while I didn’t oppose homos getting rights.
Look, the truth of the matter is that homosexuality is sickening behavior.
There’s nothing about it that’s special about it. It’s just a sexual
preference. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s not about a life style
because I’ve met homos who act like men, and not women, yet want to suck on
dick instead of pussy. THAT to me is not a lifestyle, it’s just a behavior, but
they want to confuse people with the definition of what a behavior versus
lifestyle is. I don’t agree that homos should be raising kids because children are
very vulnerable. It pissed me off that some of my friends were OK with this
because I do NOT agree. I don’t have
kids yet because I don’t want them to grow up knowing their dad might be
insecure when dealing with certain issues.
I want to deal with them issues before I can deal with my own child
(ren). A lot of people do not do this and end up with YET another dysfunctional
family, further degrading the family structure for future generations. When I
made my disagreement about homos adopting kids, I asked these dumba** motherf**kers
if they knew a person who they knew that was raised by a homosexual couple who
are now a teen or our age and was NOT homosexual. Nobody answered my question,
why? Because, there aren’t any who’s kids aren’t homosexual. Only in Hollywood
is this sh*t happening. I’m sure it looks all innocent on “Modern Family” where
two homo characters have a girl who they adopted as a couple. It only looks as
good as the writers who wrote the whole f**king scenario out. It’s a fantasy
for the writers, not the rest of the country. I swear people can be so f**king
naïve in believing that bullsh*t. I don’t buy it. I have yet to find a
homosexual couple who have a child in their care and I hope to never meet one.
When I’d made my argument about homosexuals adopting, the one homo that was in
the group told me about how he grew up homosexual, yet his parents were both
straight. What a dumba**. That was not my f**king question, moron. I wanted to
know how the f**k they grew up with two homos and ended up straight. The one
homo that answered was all on the defensive, but I didn’t give f**k. As for the
dumba** (Shannon) she can kiss my a**. She was never my friend and I never
wanted her friendship on social media. She’s a friend of a friend of mines, so
I just added her on a “what the hell” type deal. As soon as I added her in to
my friend list, all of a sudden I have to watch what I say to her friends if
they were to ask me questions. I swear, if that doesn’t scream out
“dysfunctional” to you, then I don’t know. Her insecurities run so deep, I’m
surprised that she’s got kids to take care of. She’s fat, ugly, and smokes on
top of all of that sh*t. I remember I had found out that she was living with
another friend who was helping her out because, even though she’s over 35,
she’s very irresponsible. I wonder how she treats her kids. She really gives
her attention to men who only give her attention on some domestic violence
front. She had told me twice to NOT mention certain things about her to certain
“friends” who asked me questions. To me that was some shady sh*t. She was
trying to hide something and really annoyed the hell out of me because she had
secrets she kept from her friends. I mean, what kind of friend does that?
Anyways, I stopped being her “friend” because she’s a fake broad. Her stupid
notion that as long as homos “are happy” that everything will be OK was so
misguided. I had to wonder if she had even read about the sh*t homos go through
and had she read about the ones who grew up confused about their sexuality
before coming back to be being straight. I’m sorry, but some people are just
NOT meant to be homosexual. Homos need to get it through their thick skulls
that they are just as different as we are human beings in our uniqueness. That
other people may not be comfortable around them so they should get used to as
we get used to people who are different from us. I shouldn’t have this
lifestyle shoved down my throat. The fact that most of Hollywood is homosexual
or bi-sexual is more reason to avoid their bulls*t. They have an agenda to make
themselves a bit more powerful than straight people. If they can’t make
children of their own, then they should not be able to adopt. That’s a straight
male/female thing, not a homosexual thing.
I know that there are children that do not follow their parents
footprints in how they grow up, but how small of a percentage compared to the
ones who emulate their parents to the tee? We have this correlation happen more
often than those who stray from family habits. I may not be able to prove that
homosexuals can’t raise a child who will turn out to be homosexual, but they
didn’t even give it a mention. Not even the f**king homo who wanted to defend
his sick lifestyle. That’s why a lot of fags died of AIDS, because it’s damn
near a homosexual disease. It so happens some DL guy f**ked a straight girl and
it started spreading towards the straight population later on. I’m sure most
people will think that I’m homophobic, but I’m comfortable in my sexuality and
I don’t fear the notion that someone might think that I’m homosexual or
curious. It’s a stupid a**umption, but it doesn’t bother me. I just think the
whole notion of two men having a sword fight is disgusting. I don’t adhere to
them acting out their sh*t when in public as I wouldn’t want a straight couple
to engage in PDA. Grow up if you do that.
I can be open to only so much of homosexual sh*t before I start to get
disgusted by the behavior. My own brother’s homosexual and I remember reading
some sh*t on social media about him having some dream about doing two dudes at
the same time. I mean, come on, dude, really? That’s the reason a lot of them
end up with diseases. Fecal matter tends
to have more bacteria and sh*t that can infect you (no pun intended, but ….) so
Maybe I’m talking a bit too much sh*t, but f**k it. I am going to be me
regardless. …
…OK, so jumping onto another subject. This process
of healing is sure taking forever to do, but I’m making some progress
regardless. Hopefully Moreen comes
through with the get-well card so I can read what my co-workers have said about
me. I really do like where I work at and I don’t doubt they are genuine in
hoping I get better. There are only a few people who I would say I don’t get
along with, but it’s because I really haven’t worked with them, and one in
particular seems like a miserable person who needs to be cheered up, or a
spouse. I have been working there for the past 8 years, and so far I have no
complaints about the place or the staff except for one person who rarely, if
ever, talks to me. I do think that some have taken to treat me kind because of
my Sarcoid and I don’t mind it, but they should ask me about it. My weight has
gone down significantly, and I am hoping to be on a date with Moreen once I get
out. The first thing that I want to do is take a very long walk, to keep my
legs strong, now that I know that my life could be taken away. To think: I
could have lost my life on March 1st. I should consider myself
lucky, but then, I have been lucky on many an occasion. I have my Sarcoid, but
it’s not killing me. I have been in a car accident, but I didn’t even have a
scratch on me. Even with this thing, I didn’t have a scratch on me, except for
the internal pain that I’m going through, which is withering away as time goes
by. Somebody must be looking after me as I’ve had a lot of close-calls. I have
to say though; I’m bored out of my mind being in this silly facility where I am
recovering. Instead of having at least some bit of relaxation, I’m feeling like
I’m being mentally tortured. The TV sucks to the point of giving me nausea. The
channels are all local and it really sucks to watch these stupid shows that
really don’t agree with me at all. I feel like my writing or typing is the only
way I can keep myself busy because it’s all that I CAN do. I need to do my
taxes, but these people act as though they were vindictive towards the
residents. Already I’ve heard of one guy being robbed of his Social Security
check by this hood rat chick who acts as though she’s taking care of his
finances. Even the f**king corner stores are taking advantage of the residents
here, charging way higher prices for s**t that you buy over there, when regular
customers get stuff for way cheaper than us residents. I haven’t bought a damn
thing since I was admitted and I really don’t want to spend a f**king dime. F**k
them and their shady ways. It’s sad to think that your own f**king people are
taking advantage you, but I’m not surprised at all. These stupid spics get on
my nerves and that’s why I really don’t like talking to most of them even if
they are trying to be nice about it. Too
many people in here have tales of being in jail. Oh, and let’s not forget about
the people on the third floor who are either HIV positive, or have AIDS. I
don’t care what people say, but I am avoiding them like the Plague. I don’t
care what explanations they give me because I know about how not to get
infected, but I just don’t want anything to do with them. People just don’t
understand my stance on it, and all I can say is “f**k ‘em”. You should not be
pissed that I don’t want to know anything about you because you will not see me
after I leave here. Nobody will see me once I leave. Not even the pretty CNAs.
I can’t relate to anybody in this building so why bother keeping up with them,
right? Yes, they are very helpful, but I can’t really say much about them.
There are about two to four that I like because they are pretty. I guess some
of them must like me or just are protective of me since they are in the job of
making sure I feel safe or something. I don’t know, but I think that women who
are in this field do a lot for patients and really do care for them. It is very
genuine care for the most part. Unless you want to talk about that gay f**k who
came through on Friday morning acting like an a**hole with me. I could slap his
a** if I could stand up, but I can’t so I will stay shut up. This place also
keeps me dehydrated and I get really pissed to think these f**ks still have me
on water restriction. I don’t know why, but whatever…
…On another note, I wonder when the hell Moreen
plans on coming over. Is she really acting like I should call her or something?
Why is she acting like I need to call her in order to keep in touch with her.
She knows my f**king phone doesn’t work all that well, and I can’t really call
without my phone dying on me, so what the f**k? It feels like I’m going back to
the days of when I was a teenager and I am expected to show her how much I like
her by calling her. How f**king childish is that, though? Really?
…OK, so she called me. Didn’t have much to say
except that she was shopping. Well, it’s Saturday and she’s a girl so it makes
sense, J…
…OK, I’m bored out of my mind right now. Jeez. I
hate that I have to spend my time out here instead of at home, but I have to if
I want to make myself whole again. I really feel like crap inside, but not as
bad as when I first got here, though.
… For some reason, I’m suspecting one of these damn
CNAs is f**king gay. He keeps pushing me to have him a**ist me in taking a
shower. I tell him that I need towels so I can wipe myself as that is how I
bath myself. I don’t care what motherf**kers say, I don’t trust anybody no
matter how nice they portray themselves. Those are usually the sneaky n****s
that try to rape you and s**t. Funny a** mofo asking me if I took my shower.
What the f**k for, n***? I mean damn, dude, really? Why would a guy push for me
to take a damn shower every time he sees me, eh? If I didn’t know any better,
I’d say he was gay and wanted to get me naked and s**t. Look, I don’t fall for
trends and I don’t break under any type of pressure so that bulls**t does
nothing to me, and I will not trust you afterwards, so consider yourself no
longer cool with me. See, people who act like they’re way too cool with you
tend to be after you for something, be it some sexual s**t or they want to
steal something from you. Either way, they want something from you. It’s no
wonder I haven’t gotten comfortable with this place. There are a lot of sick
people around who will do whatever nice thing to convince you they are cool
with you, but when they do it too damn soon, trust me, they are up to
something. The nerve of this prick. Now, I don’t mind the female CNAs asking me
to do it, but a man doing it so damn often, as though he REALLY wanted to a**ist
me with it? That’s a bit suspect if you ask me. And I’m not falling for that
bulls**t. this is yet another reason why I do not trust the public a**istance
system. There are too many sick motherf**kers lurking out there waiting to take
advantage of you if you’re not careful or act naïve to s**t. It is no secret that incest happens in broken
homes. It happens because there is no structure in the family, and I’ve had my
share of women who have been molested and now are just plain f**ked in the
head. I have dated plenty of women who were molested and now act funny when it
comes to intimacy. They either do not kiss, aren’t affectionate, or are just
plain funny about sex, period. I have since stopped f**king around with women with
such a f**ked up history. I don’t expect anything from them after hearing that
shi*t and I usually just break it off because having to deal with that is like
having to raise a f**king child all over again. I’m not a father, but I sure as
hell don’t want to treat a woman like a child and I’m the parent. That’s just plain stupid. I think they should
go and get their heads examined to be honest. God forbid you suggest that. It’s
all “Oh, I’m not crazy!!!” or “what the f**ck are you talking about?” when the truth
is that you are beyond normal when it comes to relationships and you need to
get your head examined. The second I say that, I’m labeled the bad guy. Oh,
well, whatever just leave me alone then. OK?
03-23-14
Man, I can’t wait to leave this place already. I
know that I have a couple more weeks go before I can actually leave and live a
normal life, but damn, man. I hate almost everybody in here except for the
women that work with me. They tend to work with me better than most of the men,
who I think are gay. At least the majority of these n****s are gay. Friday was
a perfect example of a gay n**** in his element. That dumb
pork-chop-lookin’-n**** got on my nerves with his routine. And I know that’s
his usual routine, because it’s not the first time I’d heard about “the basics”
and his funny walk was just plain stupid. That’s the walk you do when you want
your gay presence to be felt instead of you just doing your f***ing job…
…now I’m waiting to eat my breakfast and go about
the rest of this miserable Sunday. I would like to think that Moreen will come
through, but who knows with her. She’s become lazy and it’s getting annoying.
It’s almost like I am dragging her to make these trips to see me. She should
see me because she’s into me, but I don’t think she’s into me anymore. I guess
this is the test to see how reliable she’d really be. She never called me back
yesterday, which is making me annoyed. I think I’m just going to chuck it up to
her just being my friend and I will no longer be asking her for s**t. I will
just let her talk and talk and talk(or whatever she wants to do while on the
phone since she doesn’t talk, much) You know it’s funny because she says she
wants someone who’s always busy or “outgoing”. She means someone who makes
things happen to keep from being bored. Is that every b**ch’s requirement?
Being busy all of the f***ing time? I mean, she’s not busy at all. I don’t
think going to a bar to get drunk or tipsy for laughs is having a life, it’s
just bulls**t. I have better s**t to do than get drunk in a bar. It’s because
of being drunk at a public place that my a** is in a f***ing wheelchair waiting
to get better. Moreen does nothing to entertain herself except go to a bar, and
expects me to come with s**t for her to do. How convenient is that. You have
nothing to do YET expect ME to have something for you to do? What the f*** am
I? A party-planner? She doesn’t do much but watch lifetime movies all day on
Sundays or Saturdays if she doesn’t go out with her friends. What does she
expect from me though? For me to have activities for us to do!!! I’m sorry, but
I don’t think we’ll last with that mentality in mind because I’m not going to
carry the relationship. And I think she’s only tolerating me because I’m Puerto
Rican and her daughters are half Puerto Rican themselves. That in turn makes me
suspicious as to why she’s still talking to me. I mean, does she genuinely like
me or is she doing it so her daughters don’t lose their PR identity? She is
always in contact with her daughter’s father and has concerns over his taking
care of them. Isn’t that the same s**t that that other b**ch, Kia, pulled on
me? She sounds like she’s not over her marriage. And it’s been over 6 f***ing
years, so that is a big red flag for me. How the hell, after six f***ing years,
are you still talking about him. I thought you were divorced? Why keep talking
about his sorry a** if you think he’s no longer any good? I think I’m
going to just stay away from her because
it sounds to me like she’s not over him and she’s trying to replace him with me
or some other s**t. It’s not like she’s affectionate towards me, nor does she
ever, EVER, flirt with me or give me any f**king indication that she’s
interested in a relationship with me. I will just play possum and let it die
off. I don’t need that. I’ve got other women I can worry about. I don’t need
this bulls**t.
03-23-14
… As I wake up to another day in what seems like a
f**king hell hole, I have come to realize that this place might just have
undercover homos. I remember hearing about one guy who’s been to jail for
almost 20 yrs. You’re telling me he didn’t get raped or engaged in gay s**t
while locked up? I doubt it. I have a hard time rationalizing a nigga’s time in
jail and no gay s**t going down. I don’t care to know anybody who’s ever been
to jail; it’s just simple as that. See, a lot of people run into problems
because they jail birds for friends who involve them in it. They have the nerve
to defend these so-called friends and it drives me up the wall. Every time I
hear about these jail birds, it’s always the same story: “they’re good people,
they wouldn’t hurt a mouse” or “people just don’t understand them, that’s
all”……….what a bunch of naïve morons. I
am no longer friends NOR family with anybody, ANYBODY, who’s spent time in jail.
I had friends who, once I found out they were in jail, I let them go, because
you only end up making it worse for you if you keep them. They bring you
problems like you wouldn’t believe because they don’t really get rehabilitated.
They might not be committing crimes, but they still think like criminals with
more knowledge on how to do sneaky s**t, and they will strike again if given
the chance. There’s a 49 yr. old dude in here who’s been to jail more than
once, and it’s like he doesn’t listen. He’s got a dead end job, doesn’t know
how to deal with his now teenage daughter whom he’s never seen since being in
jail so often. All in all, he still
thinks like a criminal, because he practically brags about the shady s**t he
used to do with drugs and crime.
I even think that jailbirds do NOT deserve any type
of visits from anybody. Why give them that, even if the crime was petty? they
should be given a lesson, a hard lesson on what punishment means. Giving them
visitation rights only enables them, and does not deter them from committing
crimes again, and again. Then you have
these idiotic b**ches that get on the radio giving shout outs to their man in
jail, who could be getting a rod rammed up his a** as he listens to her
dedications. We take too much care of our prisoners in our prison system and
that is why the system needs reform. We need to let criminals who’ve committed
crimes on every level of severity know that we are not playing with them, and
they will not be treated lightly by officials. That’s the only way to
discipline them. We take too much care of them, though. We give them f**king
cable TV, f**king video games, even the damn internet. Hell we even let them go
to school. Are you f**king kidding me? All of this s**t is paid by me, the tax
payer, who never agreed to this s**t. I would just put them away and do away
with all of these stupid privileges. This type of treatment does not happen in
other countries, so why here, eh? Why? Why? Because we are pussies. I swear we
need to man up in this country and stop pussy-footing around with policies. I
don’t care if there is a discrepancy in minority versus whites when it comes to
crime and jail time. If you don’t commit crimes, you don’t do time, so it’s as
simple as that. I have never been jailed for anything, and if I did get charged
with anything, it was so minute and “first time” offense that it straightened
me out, and I had to stop acting like that in order to keep from going to jail,
because even your own people will beat your a** up while taking you to jail. I
remember when I was taken in for breach of peace. This faggot spic nigga got
all pissed and put his foot on my throat. He acts as though he doesn’t remember
me. I swear the next time I see him, I’ll remind him about what he did. He must
think that being a f**king cop gets him pussy. Well, let me remind you that the
type of b**ches you get from being a cop are the same b**ches who have
boyfriends in jail so I would not be too proud of that s**t. Same thing goes to
them niggas in the f**king military. I swear everybody makes them out to be
gods or some s**t. I am not down with
that s**t. Most military people are simple people anyways. I have yet to meet
one who’s smart enough to keep a conversation. Then again they were all marines
or army people. Most of them have regular jobs and never did s**t with their
lives but become cops or firemen, lol. They’re a f**king joke. My own brother
is a perfect example of wasted youth. Now he’s all fat and balding, alone and
with nobody to call his own. He’s got a
job at a car dealership, which is laughable because he was in the military. I
can recall one time him complaining about being treated like s**t for being a
veteran, but he’d never been to a war that I know of. He feels like he’s
entitled to first dibs when it comes to a job, but it’s utter bulls**t that he
spews. Stop your f**king whining and do
your homework on the company and get the job the same you would any other
f**king job, by interviewing forever until you get the right job. He’s in the
position he’s in because he’s never applied himself to anything. Not even in
the military did he apply himself. He even got demoted to a lower rank, that’s
how much he’d f**ked up in the marines. I’m telling you, you can’t reform
people. Once they are a certain way,
there’s just no changing the way they think. I can only change so much, but I
do it for the better of my career and my own progress. My brother is such an
idiot, he can only go so far as being an automobile dealership worker because
he’s not articulate enough to carry an interview past 45 minutes, let alone
15. His b**ching and moaning will get
him nowhere. I’m glad that he’s seeing
how f**ked up life can be when you rely too much on big institutions instead of
empowering yourself. I get a kick when I hear people who work regular
jobs(though they hate it) relying so damn much on help from the government.
It’s like we’re a nation of victims and it’s got to stop. I’ve met so many
people who love being coddled by the government that I can’t deal with them. I
don’t talk to a lot of friends who keep relying on the government to help them.
I have never relied on anybody, but all of my friends really surprise me when
they try and convince me to go along with getting help from the government.
It’s like they don’t think I can get ahead on my own. Mind you, they have NEVER
set foot in my shoes so for them to talk s**t like they do is really
surprising, because I don’t think that highly about them, but I don’t put them
down like they do with me. I could, but I would be really f**king mean when I
come out with the truth. I have been on
my own since I was 17 yrs old. Most of them have not been alone and some have
NEVER lived alone at all. They either lived or still live with their moms at 38
or got married or moved in with their partners at a young age, only to come out
losing them due to infidelities and lies. I do have to say that they contradict
themselves when they tell me that the job that I have is just not enough, while
they get laid off in every job they’ve ever had. I have a unique position, for which most
organizations think last when it comes to lay offs. They take those jobs that
get lay offs first. Yeah, they get paid
a lot more than me, but they don’t secure a good pension because they also
don’t have financial discipline. They use their money to live beyond their
means and get into so much debt they will never get a good credit rating. I
know this one dude who is always talking s**t to me about how I should find a
better job, but he himself didn’t find the job that he HAD by himself. He was
recruited by them and he did fine. Even made upwards of over $50,000 in what
seemed like a great job. But then he got all cocky and started to make demands
and thinking that he could just get a job anywhere without knowing how to land
a job interview or how to conduct a great interview. He doesn’t take my advice
in getting interviews with any corporation just to practice interviewing and
getting himself comfortable with all types of interview panels. Nah, he, as
many friends have also mistakenly thought that having a degree of any level was
going to land him a job, when that’s not even the case at all. It’s how you
sell yourself at an interview. I doubt
they’d ever survive an intense interview, and would probably get intimidated,
while I would ace it or hold my own in any of them. I’ve gone to interviews on
a practice run to get myself comfortable in such settings. I would rather go
through them in order to get some insight as to what I can do or how I can
dress to look presentable. I’ve gone to some interviews without shaving and
some shaved a bit. You’d be surprised who would hire you just because you made
yourself look so good, that you didn’t shave didn’t bother them. I may be alone
in the way I think, but whatever. It really bothers me that most of my friends
and even some co-workers really do rely on others to help them out at all. I
just think one should rely on themselves until they can’t any longer. As a last
resort, you can go to someone, but not without going through hardships. I have
always said that I will go into a shelter before I use anybody’s help to keep
from looking poor. The second you live with someone who’s helping you out, you
will get the feeling that you need to contribute to their household when all
you wanted was a place to stay. I remember when Luis Torres, a former roommate
who had me living with him and his family, told me that since I’d bought a
bottle of orange juice, that they were wondering if I was going to contribute
to their household. I was paying half of the damn rent while both of these
slick f**ks were paying a third each, so I didn’t have to pay for anything
else. His damn wife HAD to cook me food, and that was that, no arguments. No,
I’d never bought the orange juice for them to use in the family . If they were
thinking of doing so, I’d already put my mouth on the bottle just so they would
stay away. Nope, never told them about it so whatever. You don’t charge me half
of the rent and think you’re going to make me pay for more s**t when you know
damn well that I can’t afford anything beyond the rent. But that’s how shady a
lot of niggas are when you need their help. He was never a friend. He’s one of the many reasons I don’t trust
Puerto Ricans. A lot of them use your being the same race so they can use you
and give you a guilt trip the minute you deny them any help or access to what
they need. They think that everything should be free for them since they have
worked so hard. Mind you, most of them have NEVER worked as hard as I have so they
do not deserve anything beyond a check for services rendered. Nothing more,
nothing less. Most of my friends tend to
be parasites to society, including the niggas who’ve got degrees. Just because
you graduate from college with a master’s does not mean you’re going to land
any job you apply for. You obviously don’t have enough experience so you need
to calm down and move it along. Keep it moving, you’ll find something, but
don’t give up, that’s all. Make looking for a job a full time job while you’re
at it.
I really think that this is a Connecticut thing
though. A lot of people who were born here are just living vicariously
through the lives of those who live in
Fairfield County, who are the wealthiest in CT. People love talking s**t about
these rich people, yet love bragging about having wealthy residents in
Connecticut. How much more do you want to contradict yourself though?
I swear that I don’t think I’ll ever find someone
who will match my curiosity nor my penchant for acquiring knowledge. I’m just meeting
too many dumb motherf**kers that need to do better for themselves and will not
do so. I don’t care for dumba**es and I don’t care to deal with them at all. If
you don’t spark my interest in any which way or form, I refuse to deal with
you. You can only be simple for so long. That s**t starts to get old after a
while, and I’d rather not participate in stupidity.
…look at the time, it’s about 2pm and Moreen still
hasn’t called me. It’s not like she’s doing s**t today. I think I’m going to
just use as much of her help as I can and then move on to another girl because
it’s pretty obvious that she’s not meant to be with me. I don’t even care to
know about her anymore. I just don’t care about her anymore. It’s always a boring conversation when I’m
talking to her and if not that, she’s watching something on TV. She’s always
giving me the same f**king questions about whether or not I’ve contacted my
family. What the f**k do I care about most of my family. Stop asking me about
my f**king family already. Jesus f**king Christ, can’t you just take a day
without asking me about my damn family. I don’t care to talk about them so if
you don’t like that, leave it be. It’s really starting to get on my f**king
nerves how she always asks me about my damn family. I just don’t care to talk
about them so if you don’t like it, I don’t know what to tell you, but I will
not talk to them. I can be like that. I don’t need a guilt trip about a family
who’s member mostly think about themselves for the most part. I can only talk to
a certain few and they’re starting to get on my nerves as well. I don’t desire
any contact nor visits from any of them at all whatsoever. I have two brothers who are possible
murderers, a crackhead for another brother, a hooker for a younger sister, and
a parasite for another brother (Armando of course) One brother, alex, is a f**king loser who’s
life revolves around the beach, I don’t really care for him nor his
whereabouts. Hell, I hope he dies soon. I will not give a f**k about him. The
other one, Luis, is another f**k up who couldn’t put his life together no
matter what happened to him. He lost his son and I’m glad he got to suffer
because he’s made a lot of people suffer himself. I don’t care for how badly he
took it. It’s his fault that his son died of cancer so I don’t have any f**king
sympathy for his dumba**. he deserved that s**t. I never knew my nephew, and so I don’t know
what to think about him being dead so it’s whatever to me. I am glad that I
have no qualms over talking s**t about such a dysfunctional family, because
they are nothing like me. None of them are. Not even my own blood brother is
like me. He’s still a f**k up even though he went to the military. It didn’t
mature him nor did it make him financially stable. I’ll bet you any money that
he’s still f**king around and he’s almost forty himself acting like he’s 20
something. Mando really makes me laugh though because he’s such a f**king liar.
He lies about everything and he’s always trying to make it look like he’s doing
so good. He’s blowing smoke up your a** for the most part and he needs to just
be himself. He’ll never achieve that because he doesn’t know how to be himself.
He’s always been my shadow. My mom always asks HIM about ME and he’s decided to
ignore her. What an idiot. He should try and understand why she does that, but
she doesn’t do that.
…Waiting for my dinner now. I wonder what the f**k I
will have to eat tonight. Jeez, sometimes the food just sucks ass. And this
broad hasn’t called. Well isn’t that just wonderful. I hope that she does, but
it’s whatever to me. Only thing I can do is just sit here and type away as the day just goes by.
She hasn’t brought me anything today and I wonder what the hell she wants with
me now because she’s really just undermining even seeing me. It would be nice
to see her, but she’s acting like she’s dragging her feet to see me. I mean if
that’s how you feel, fine with me, but you shouldn’t act like you wouldn’t mind
doing it as a favor. Now I feel like crap and I don’t care to deal with her
anymore because she’s been pretty distant lately. I don’t like feeling like I’m
a burden, and she’s definitely making me feel like I am. I don’t know, but
maybe I should just leave her alone.
….Ah, “The Middle” another stupid show that reminds
me of the equally stupid show, “Malcolm in the Middle” everybody doesn’t make
any sense and I’m surprised that the lady from “Everyone loves Ray” is in that
show. It really sucks ass to the point that it’s just f**king annoying. I can’t
really watch so much of these stupid channels. They are all annoying like hell.
Sh*t, man, I don’t know how people can watch TV with all of the bullsh*t that’s
in it. I just want to jump off a roof watching this crap. I don’t even know
where to start, but again, it’s whatever!!!
…03-23-14 8:31pm
Watching TV in my room, I am watching something
called “American Dream Builders” if I’m not mistaken. I’m still waiting on
Moreen to call me and she hasn’t. Is really pulling some childish sh*t like not
calling me all f**king day? I mean what the hell? She knows that I’m out here
trying to keep from being bored, and she doesn’t even care to call me. Well,
that’s just great. The more she acts this funny, the more I don’t really want
to deal with her at all. I don’t find it at all amusing that she’s ignoring me
with this bullsh*t acting like some child who thinks I should be calling them.
I know the bitch is not that f**king busy because she doesn’t have much to do
but be a damn mother to her children. It’s not like she’s busy doing some extra
sh*t because she doesn’t have hobbies or anything else, so I mean what the
f**k? I’m pissed. I don’t know why women like playing these stupid games, but
I’m going along with it. Now, if she gets pissed about me not responding or
calling her, then she is not ready for a relationship. A friendship maybe, but
I doubt that she’s ready for anything intimate.
I don’t want to be part of her little f**king games. I can just imagine
her crazy ass talking about “so if I don’t call, I’ll never hear from you huh?”
like she’s even showed me any interest to begin with. Truth is she hasn’t even
flirted with me. It’s all been me doing all of the flirting and making
suggestions as to how we’re going to meet and what not. Not her, she’s been
sitting on her ass, making me feel like crap for acting like ME. She makes
comments about my not going out as if it were a big deal, but this is CT and if
you don’t have a car or money, there’s nowhere to go. I’m not going to make up
sh*t to do either. Then there’s the other bullsh*t about her asking me to talk
to my family like I give a f**k about talking to them. I’ve only seen her two
or three times and all of those times she just seems like she’s not interested
in me at all. I might as well just give up on making her my girlfriend because it’s
pretty f**king obvious that she’s not interested in that at all. I will stop
bothering her and even take a cab back home so I can just leave her alone and
she can move on with her life while I do the same with mine. I don’t know
whether she likes me or not and I’m not comfortable about this. If she’s on
some sh*t like she wants me to do all of the courting without any response or
reaction from her, then she’s got another thing coming. I mean, what the hell.
I was trying to see her one time and she didn’t want to see me. Well, what was
I supposed to do? We might as well be friends because that’s all we’ll be good
at. I’ll just move on with my life and leave her alone because it’s pretty
obvious that she’s testing me like some f**king teenager and I don’t appreciate
that. I don’t care to talk to her, if she calls me at this time, when she had
all of the f**king day to do so, then I’m not picking up. I don’t care to talk
to her. Tomorrow she can call and, if I’m up to it, I will talk to her. Other than that, I don’t want to talk to her
right about now. It is one thing to not call or act as though you forgot to
call me after not talking to me for most of the day yesterday, but to not call
me all f**king day today is just ridiculous for someone who supposedly likes me
or is trying to be my friend or girlfriend material. She knows I’m more than
likely not able to call her on this sh*tty phone of mines, yet she’s acting as
though she can’t speak to me. Oh, well, forget her. Last time she pulled this
sh*t she was saying “Let me find out I was traded up” as if I was dating her. I
mean, what are you really telling me when you say sh*t like this? That you’re
still into me or no longer into me? Oh, but then she has to act as though she
were playing with me another time, saying that I have a girlfriend in this
place. I mean; what the f**k. This is just too much and I don’t really need the
stress. I’m already stressed due to these f**king injuries, but to deal with
her bullsh*t is just nonsensical and I don’t really want to get into it. I’ve
made it pretty clear that I like her, but she’s being pretty f**king vague with
me as to how she feels. I mean, come on, not one flirt with me since we’ve me.
Not even a damn “you’re cute” from her or anything. It’s as though I were talking to Natasha, who
is now my friend because of miscommunication. I’ve put in all that I can to
indicate that that I like her, even mentioned calling her my girl at one point.
What does she do? Shoot me down at every f**king turn. Well, whatever, I give
up. I no longer will bother you Moreen. You have a good life and if you ever
want to talk to me about anything, go ahead and call me. If I decide to talk to
you, well, then we’ll talk. I doubt I’ll
pick up the phone because what the f**k do we have to talk about anyways? You
barely talk to me when on the phone and now that I’m no longer your love
interest, you think you can talk to me then? I’d rather not.
It’s just f**king incredible how she’s acting. It’s
like what the hell did I do to her to make her so distant from me? Did my
getting struck by a car bother her? It’s not my fault and I didn’t want to ask
her to help me, but she pretty much volunteered this sh*t and now I’m stuck
with her since she’s got my damn house keys. She can’t say that I made her help
me nor that I obligated her to do so. As for the stupid comments about me owing
her, that doesn’t bode well with me. She volunteered her help. I never asked
her to help me out. If now she feels like she’s got to drag herself out here to
assist me, well then, that’s her issue and she can always just drop off my keys
and leave me the f**k alone as I don’t need anybody’s help but my own. I can
take care of myself and I never ever asked anybody’s help with this situation.
I just wanted to let her know that this is why I might be out of commission for
a while. She was the one who decided to help me with getting some stuff for me
to deal with my stay. She also brought me some snacks for me to eat while here.
Do I owe her for that sh*t too? I’m sorry, but I am not a happy camper right
about now. If she wants to be with me,
she’s going to have to show me how she really feels now because I’m no longer
feeling interested in her because I feel like I am really just using up all of
my energy on something that will not reciprocate back to me. It’s like I’m
going up against a wall, and it’s not budging. I mean, I can remember when I’d
said I was going to the local Walmart neighborhood market so that we could meet
and you know what she says? She says that she’s wasn’t going there that day.
Wow, well, there went my chance of meeting her. It’s like she doesn’t care to
meet me at all. I don’t know, but I’m
not feeling her like that anymore. It’s just not my thing to keep following
someone who doesn’t want to be followed, you know. It’s more of me being a
burden instead of me pursuing her. The
fact that she hasn’t not made one comment about my looks is just too silly. I
have said that she’s beautiful and all of that, but she doesn’t act like this
is any factor with me at all. It’s as though she’s always mad at me for some
stupid f**king reason.
…You know, my friend can be a very chatty person,
and I’m starting to think that he’s got no friends here in CT. I’ve never met
someone who acted like they were so lonely. All of his friends aren’t in CT
anymore, I think they’ve all moved out of the state. He’s been asking me to go
with him to Vegas, but doesn’t think about what I have to go through to get
there. I have no money, nor do I have the vacation time nor sick time to do this.
I can’t just take my tax money to go there either. I am trying to keep my money
for situations such as this one. And I don’t know why he’s insisting on going
vacation when he’s got limited funds and
no f**king income coming through for him. I swear he’s living so naively that
it drives me crazy. He’s got no job, and no job on the way and his job hunt
seems to look poor as he’s yet to find a job. His best bet is to get himself a
job with an airliner as a flight attendant, lol. I mean really dude? You just
want to lower yourself to that standard like that? It’s like he’s become one of them people I
say who doesn’t go and get what they want when they want it. For him to just
take such a big pay cut(damn near 50% to
be exact) is just ridiculous. He’s given up so easily and now he’s gotten
himself a big ass debt, way bigger than he’s ever had before because he thought
he was going to have the job forever. Now he’s acting as though he’s not worth
sh*t and his yapping away at the mouth to me on the phone forever just seems
stupid. He’s been drinking way too much wine too, which is annoying because he
tends to talk way too f**king much about the same sh*t, and it gets repetitive.
I thought I talked a lot of sh*t, but he takes the cake.
…I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like
there’s nothing left to live for here on this planet. I have a girl who doesn’t
pay me the attention I’d like to get, friends who are no longer interesting to
me or are just plain annoying. A job that I don’t care to return to once I’m
done recovering from these injuries. To top it off, I’m still living in this
bullsh*t city. I just need to get away or find me another girl who’ll just
accept me and not judge me the way that this broad’s been doing with me for the
past couple of months. I am not happy
with my situation and Moreen isn’t making me any happier. I might as well just
write her off as another f**king Natasha because she obviously doesn’t show any
interest in any type of relationship with me except for friendship. Well, I mean,
what the hell? Natasha has moved on and has her man, and I’m alone with yet
another girl who doesn’t know what the hell she wants. At first I thought she liked me, but she’s
never even given me any reasons to make me believe that she likes me other than
her saying stuff about me taking care of myself because she told me she cares
about me or she was being my friend. She’s also said that she told these people
in this building about my prednisone medication because she felt that a
“girlfriend” or a “friend” would do the same. What she meant by that only she
knows because I don’t know what the hell she meant by it. I mean, you might as
well just come out and say that you miss my voice or something. I don’t hear
any of that coming out of her mouth and it’s bothering me to the point that I
am starting to think that I’m talking to another damn Natasha, who has three
children, and decided to move on and get
another dude to be with her since I was taking too long. She’s my friend now
and I’m glad because I wouldn’t want to lose her friendship …
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